You’ve been gone almost 8 months.  Much of the time I can pretend that you’re away, or at work or something, and not think about what really happened.  That way I can block the pain.

But too often, and usually several times a day – like now – it all comes back as horribly painfully as if it happened more recently. Not as painfully as if you had died yesterday, nor like in the first few weeks afterwards, but more like a couple of months after, when the screams that had threatened to rip my heart out of my chest alleviated somewhat.

Years ago I read in some stupid pop psychology article that after a divorce, it takes one month to recover for every year you were married.  So if you were married for 20 years, it would take more than a year and a half to recover; if you were married for one year, it would take just one month.  Horse puckey of course, because it’s different for everyone.

And it certainly is meaningless when a devoted, loving marriage ends through death, whether that death is from a long, slow decline by illness, or a sudden death by accident, or worse, from suicide.

What would that pop psychology expert say to me?  Is there some kind of algorithm for my situation?  John and I were together for more than ten years.  Does the recovery time double when it’s an expected death, and maybe triple when it’s unexpected?  If it’s from suicide, does that make a difference?

I’m sure there are people who are tired of my posts on Facebook, “tagging” John about things he’d find interesting and updating him on the (mis)adventures of the pups.  Those people probably wonder why I don’t just get over it.

Sorry if you’re bored, Sweetie.  My grief is with me every minute, whether I’m actively feeling it or not.  If you’ve never loved anyone as fiercely as I loved my husband, then my first wish for you is that you someday find that kind of love because then you will understand how very precious it is.  And my second wish is that you never lose that love, until you’re old and grey and can go together… because, well, I just wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

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For more information about The Warrior Project – soon to be a drop-in and counseling center for those affected by suicide and/or suicidal thoughts, please click on the picture or link, or go to https://warrior-project.org.

The Warrior Project will eventually become a warm, welcoming drop-in center for those living with extreme emotional and/or physical pain coupled with hopelessness, and a resource for families and friends fearing for the life of, or grieving the loss of, the person they love so much.

We are accepting blogs and articles written on topics relevant to suicide, hopelessness, grief, and similar topics.  Please contact Linda at LSnyder@regroupbiz.com or warriorprojectmaine@gmail.com.

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In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.

My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see.  I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.

The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those military personnel wounded after September 11, 20o1.  Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.

Fair winds and following seas, Husband.

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We now have a group on Facebook to help find resources, support and ideas for getting The Warrior Project off the ground.  You can find us there at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thewarriorproject/

Follow us on Twitter!  @WarriorProjME.

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The Warrior Project is NOT an emergency program or service.

In the event of a crisis, please call 911

In the United States, other numbers to call include:
Maine Crisis Hotline:
1-888-568-1112
National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
800-273-8255
Veterans Suicide Hotline:
800-273-8255
Domestic Violence Hotline:
800-799-7233

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John and I owned both a small antiques shop and a used bookstore in Lewiston, Maine. After John died, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with the two shops – they take up a huge amount of time, and weren’t yet covering their own costs.  After John died in October of 2016, the shops were barely open during the critical holiday sales season; I couldn’t stand being in them because we had such dreams for the future.

But Johnny loved his little bookstore (Heritage Books, Maps & Ephemera) and the goal was that he would one day “retire” into running the two shops.  So I’ve committed to keeping them open, although Heritage Collectibles is now Heritage Collectibles, Books & Maps as I’ve combined those two businesses, and I’m opening Papa’s Thrift Shop for the inventory that doesn’t really work in the main store.  (Papa is what John’s grandchildren called him.)

All of the profits from those two businesses (after expenses, of course!) will go to support The Warrior Project.  If you are so inclined, please consider checking out our shops, knowing that your purchase will help fund this critically needed suicide prevention drop in center.