Resilience in the Face of Extreme Challenge

Posted on November 10, 2016 by lindasnyder

My life has not been easy.  Over the past 60 years, there have been very few periods of time when I haven’t been faced with some kind of major adversity (or too often, several at once): a parent dying when I was just 10 years old, the loss of a large business due to treachery from a trusted employee, challenging relationships, severe financial problems, major illness in those I felt responsible for… and most recently, the suicide of the love of my life.

resilience

Friends say I am “strong” and will keep going, because that’s what I do.  Professionals tell me I am “resilient”, and will keep going because that’s what I do.

Not surprisingly, I don’t feel strong.  Keeping going… well, what else can I do? Stay in bed, crying all day?  It’s tempting…. so tempting.  And I’m terrified at times that I’m going to give in to that temptation.  But I won’t; perhaps because I am… not strong, but resilient.

The American Psychological Association defines resilience as:

“… the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress— such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. It means “bouncing back” from difficult experiences.”

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience.aspx

The APA identifies 10 factors in building resilience:

Make connections. Good relationships with close family members, friends or others are important. Accepting help and support from those who care about you and will listen to you strengthens resilience. Some people find that being active in civic groups, faith-based organizations, or other local groups provides social support and can help with reclaiming hope. Assisting others in their time of need also can benefit the helper.

Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems. You can’t change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to these events. Try looking beyond the present to how future circumstances may be a little better. Note any subtle ways in which you might already feel somewhat better as you deal with difficult situations.

Accept that change is a part of living. Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations. Accepting circumstances that cannot be changed can help you focus on circumstances that you can alter.

Move toward your goals. Develop some realistic goals. Do something regularly — even if it seems like a small accomplishment — that enables you to move toward your goals. Instead of focusing on tasks that seem unachievable, ask yourself, “What’s one thing I know I can accomplish today that helps me move in the direction I want to go?”

Take decisive actions. Act on adverse situations as much as you can. Take decisive actions, rather than detaching completely from problems and stresses and wishing they would just go away.

Look for opportunities for self-discovery. People often learn something about themselves and may find that they have grown in some respect as a result of their struggle with loss. Many people who have experienced tragedies and hardship have reported better relationships, greater sense of strength even while feeling vulnerable, increased sense of self-worth, a more developed spirituality and heightened appreciation for life.

Nurture a positive view of yourself. Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience.

Keep things in perspective. Even when facing very painful events, try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context and keep a long-term perspective. Avoid blowing the event out of proportion.

Maintain a hopeful outlook. An optimistic outlook enables you to expect that good things will happen in your life. Try visualizing what you want, rather than worrying about what you fear.

Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. Engage in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing. Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself helps to keep your mind and body primed to deal with situations that require resilience.

Additional ways of strengthening resilience may be helpful. For example, some people write about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to trauma or other stressful events in their life. Meditation and spiritual practices help some people build connections and restore hope.

The key is to identify ways that are likely to work well for you as part of your own personal strategy for fostering resilience.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not all of the above fit me, of course.  (I am particularly not good at depending on others for help or support.)  But overall, they are sound principles for a healthy mind & body… and it’s best to start developing these characteristics before a major challenge threatens to cut you off at the knees or destroys your sanity.

***********************

In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.

The Warrior Project is a warm, welcoming drop-in center for those living with extreme emotional and/or physical pain coupled with hopelessness, and a resource for families and friends fearing for the life of, or grieving the loss of, the person they love so much.

My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see.  I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.

The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those wounded after September 11, 20o1.  Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.

Fair winds and following seas, Husband.

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Breathe

Posted on November 10, 2016 by lindasnyder

http://imgur.com/n5jBp45

There have been too many moments in the past nearly three weeks when I have felt unable to breathe… and moments when it seemed all I was capable of was to breathe.

****************

In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.

The Warrior Project is a warm, welcoming drop-in center for those living with extreme emotional and/or physical pain coupled with hopelessness, and a resource for families and friends fearing for the life of, or grieving the loss of, the person they love so much.

My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see.  I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.

The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those wounded after September 11, 20o1.  Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.

Fair winds and following seas, Husband.

Posted in Coping Skills & Resiliency, Grief | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Tonight I Screamed at My Husband

Posted on November 8, 2016 by lindasnyder

Tonight I screamed at my husband.  SCREAMED at him.

I was furious.  I was beyond furious.  I howled my rage from the depths of my very cells, with an erupting fury that surely reached to the nearest stars.  My voice was deafening.  I was so very loud.

The anger that had been brewing below a host of other, more acceptable feelings blew out of my soul as I hurled a nearly overwhelming sense of betrayal and pain at him for his treachery.

“Damn you.  DAMN YOU!  How dare you not trust me?  How dare you LIE TO ME about how bad it was??  How dare you leave me like this???”

But he didn’t hear me.  He couldn’t.

My husband killed himself two and a half weeks ago.

Nowadays it is difficult to know what I will be feeling from minute to minute.  The crushing and inconsistent feelings of loss, of sadness, of guilt, of confusion, of numbness, of wanting him to show up and reassure me that it was all a terrible mistake – that he isn’t really dead… These feelings come in no logical order…  with no sense to them, nor any rhyme nor reason.

My mind is a mess.  My emotions are raw and triggered by the slightest memory, thought, feeling, smell….  And oh good god, please do not give me a sympathetic hug because I will dissolve into an instant puddle of salty, snotty sobs right before your very eyes.

It had to happen at some point, of course.  One can’t live with such crushing, primal feelings without letting them out somehow.  As it happened, the timing for this explosion was far better than other moments when it could have spewed forth, although certainly more than a little dangerous… I was driving home, in the very pitch dark, down a narrow, winding road on the side of a mountain in western Maine.

Crying so hard I could barely see, and screaming so loudly my Jeep echoed, I couldn’t seem to stop the volcano that spewed out.  I was glad it was dark so the drivers coming at me in the other direction couldn’t view the hideous contortions my face made, and nor could they hear the soul-wrenching screams.  They surely would have thought I was a candidate for psychiatric hospitalization.  I almost thought I was, as well.

Over the next half hour, the intensity of my raw, naked pain slowly subsided.  In between halting sobs – punctuated at times with more screams that welled up then died off – I began trying to explain to this man I loved so deeply, what he had done to me in killing himself.  If he had just tried harder to let me know how very sad he was, I would have made sure it all got fixed.

My guilt at not seeing how crushing his physical and emotional pain was has been nearly unbearable.  My fury at that pain – and the sources of it, all the way back to my husband’s childhood – is in part fueled by my wretched inability to fix it, no matter how much I loved this man.

I very much doubt this one experience of raging at a universe that allowed my husband to hurt so much will be the only time when I howl with a warrior’s madness.

The loss of this brilliant, wonderful, tortured man is too huge to be quieted so easily.

hide-my-grief

************************************

In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.

The Warrior Project will eventually become a warm, welcoming drop-in center for those living with extreme emotional and/or physical pain coupled with hopelessness, and a resource for families and friends fearing for the life of, or grieving the loss of, the person they love so much.

My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see.  I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.

The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those wounded after September 11, 20o1.  Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.

Fair winds and following seas, Husband.

**************************************

We now have a group on Facebook to help find resources, support and ideas for getting The Warrior Project off the ground.  You can find us there at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thewarriorproject/

We are accepting blogs and articles written on topics relevant to suicide, hopelessness, grief, and similar topics.  Please contact Linda at LSnyder@regroupbiz.com.

**************************************

The Warrior Project is NOT an emergency program or service.

In the event of a crisis, please call 911

Other numbers to call include:
Maine Crisis Hotline:
1-888-568-1112
National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
800-273-8255
Veterans Suicide Hotline:
800-273-8255
Domestic Violence Hotline:
800-799-7233

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How to Keep Working Productively When You’re Under Extreme Stress

Posted on November 7, 2016 by lindasnyder

https://www.fastcompany.com/3065300/work-smart/how-to-keep-working-productively-when-youre-under-extreme-stress

Fast Company.  November 07, 2016.

5 MINUTE READ  – WORK SMART

How To Keep Working Productively When You’re Under Extreme Stress

You’ve got a big job with bigger responsibilities. Then disaster strikes. Here’s how to keep it together.

How To Keep Working Productively When You're Under Extreme Stress
[Photo: Chad Springer/Getty Images]
GWEN MORAN 11.07.16 5:43 AM

Say you’re a high performer who’s risen through the ranks. Now you have even bigger responsibilities. Or you’re working your way toward a promotion and need to show your skills and professionalism in the best light. Then the phone call comes. The results of your medical tests weren’t good. Or you suddenly have to take care of a loved one in an emergency. Or there’s an unexpected financial hit that could spell catastrophe.

Whatever the situation, your life just got much more complicated. While intuitively you know that these things can happen to anyone, the anxiety of dealing with such troubling events, coupled with the pressure to continue to perform in your job, amps up the stress to DEFCON 1.

“A curveball like that requires sharpening your coping skills and expanding them so that you can deal with what’s being demanded of you,” says clinical psychologist Alicia H. Clark, adjunct professor at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. And there is a strategic approach you can take to help you cope and perform better, even when you’re operating under extreme stress.

IDENTIFY WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL

Part of the anxiety that occurs during such urgent situations comes from feeling a loss of control, says Matthew Digeronimo, a retired nuclear submarine lieutenant commander and coauthor of Extreme Operational Excellence: Applying the U.S. Submarine Culture to Your Organization. He recommends identifying the things you can adapt or adjust to regain some of that feeling of order. “If a family member is ill, you might not be able to control the illness. But you can control the manner in which you rally around that person. You can control your working hours, or the way you react to it,” he says.

If you can schedule meetings or calls during your high-energy times, or work from home one day a week, take advantage of those options. Use the power you do have to adapt your life to deal with your new situation for the time being, he says.

IDENTIFY THE “MUST-DOS”

We all have tasks that need to get done to fulfill our responsibilities. However, high-performing individuals often go beyond the basics and take on other to-dos—that’s often what makes them high performers, Clark says. Now is the time to scale back to the most necessary and immediate task. Ask yourself these key questions:

  • Where can I cut back?
  • Where can I save time?
  • What can I put off without much consequence?

For example, do you need to take that trip to China now? Or can you cut back to visiting two states instead of three on your next trip? Can support staff handle some of the legwork on that upcoming report? Once you have a sense of where your time needs to be spent, you can create a list of priorities to ensure you’re getting the essentials done. Then you can decide whether you have time or energy to take on more.

ACCEPT “GOOD ENOUGH”—FOR NOW

This is also a good time to let go of perfectionism and accept “good enough,” Clark says. When you’re good at and take pride in what you do, it can be tough to do the minimum acceptable job. Sometimes, that’s what’s necessary to free up time and energy you need for other things to prevent burnout, she says.

SLOW DOWN

Extreme stress can affect decision making as well. Recent research from the University of Pittsburgh found that anxiety affects the brain’s prefrontal cortex, which regulates problem solving, impulse control, and emotion regulation.

Unlike typical periodic stress, where you may feel the pressure of events that happen from time to time, unrelenting stress doesn’t give you time for recovery, says Richard Citrin, PhD, founder of Citrin Consulting, a talent and leadership development consultancy, and author of The Resilience Advantage: Stop Managing Stress and Find Your Resilience. So your decision-making abilitymay be taking a beating.

As a result, you need to be more intentional about what you’re doing. Gather your facts methodically, and if necessary, take more time to make decisions or take action to be sure you get it right, he says.

SHARE SELECTIVELY

Another decision you’ll need to make is what—and how much—to tell those around you. Should you tell your boss that your parent is ill? Should you tell your boss or coworkers that you’re going through a divorce? There’s no one-size-fits-all solution here, Digeronimo says.

If the situation will require you to change some of your work habits or be out of the office, then it’s probably a good idea to tell your boss the basics and share your plan for managing the situation. He thinks it’s not a good idea to share too much with coworkers, as it can breed gossip and office politics. “For most of us, our coworkers are not our source of support,” he says. “I think it can only add to your stress level if you share these types of details with them.”

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

When Citrin’s daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer several years ago, he and his wife both had full-time careers. He says that one of the most important lessons he learned throughout the experience was to accept help from other people so that he could free up time to help his daughter. He says it can be hard for people who are used to handling everything themselves to ask for or accept help from others, but even allowing a neighbor to bring over a meal can relieve one of your many demands. Clark adds that it’s important to practice good self-care, including getting enough sleep, exercising, and trying to manage your stress.

Chances are that you’re going to have to juggle a personal emergency with your work at some point. Understanding how to keep your work life intact while managing extreme stress requires a combination of cutting back, being mindful, and taking care of your own needs, so you can address both work and personal demands.

******************

In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.

The Warrior Project is a warm, welcoming drop-in center for those living with extreme emotional and/or physical pain coupled with hopelessness, and a resource for families and friends fearing for the life of, or grieving the loss of, the person they love so much.

My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see.  I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.

The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those wounded after September 11, 20o1.  Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.

Fair winds and following seas, Husband.

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Know The Risk Factors of Suicide

Posted on November 6, 2016 by lindasnyder

Know the Risk Factors

Risk factors are characteristics that make it more likely that someone will consider, attempt, or die by suicide. They can’t cause or predict a suicide attempt, but they’re important to be aware of.

  • Mental disorders, particularly mood disorders, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders, and certain personality disorders
  • Alcohol and other substance use disorders
  • Hopelessness
  • Impulsive and/or aggressive tendencies
  • History of trauma or abuse
  • Major physical illnesses
  • Previous suicide attempt(s)
  • Family history of suicide
  • Job or financial loss
  • Loss of relationship(s)
  • Easy access to lethal means
  • Local clusters of suicide
  • Lack of social support and sense of isolation
  • Stigma associated with asking for help
  • Lack of healthcare, especially mental health and substance abuse treatment
  • Cultural and religious beliefs, such as the belief that suicide is a noble resolution of a personal dilemma
  • Exposure to others who have died by suicide (in real life or via the media and Internet)

Source:  http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/how-we-can-all-prevent-suicide/nspl_logo

In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.

The Warrior Project is a warm, welcoming drop-in center for those living with extreme emotional and/or physical pain coupled with hopelessness, and a resource for families and friends fearing for the life of, or grieving the loss of, the person they love so much.

My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see.  I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.

The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those wounded after September 11, 20o1.  Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.

Fair winds and following seas, Husband.

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Developing The Warrior Project

Posted on November 4, 2016 by lindasnyder

My husband is dead.  My Johnny is gone.  Please come back… Damnit John, don’t do this to me!

The emotions are all over the place, and I am having a hard time sitting still.  I cannot sleep at night because I am so angry; then I wake up and am lost.

It doesn’t take much for me to burst into tears, and it doesn’t matter where I am… at home, in the bank or grocery store, in our antique shop.  The sobs come unbidden and without warning.

I am heartbroken.  For me, and for the husband I loved beyond description.  I am crying as I write this.

He was a wonderful, kind, funny, brilliant, grumpy, annoying, thoughtful, talented, humble, and loving man. He was also tortured by physical pain and ailments, and emotional doubts.

He was the best.  He is gone.

I can’t let him slip off into the night… John was larger than life, and so must be his legacy.

Thus, The Warrior Project.

It’s still all in my head right now, but I’ve been sketching it out.  The Warrior Project is intended for those who fall through the big gaping chasms in our society’s ability to address psychic and physical pain… for those people who die tragically and unexpectedly… and about whom everyone says, “I had no idea….”

I will not allow John’s death to be a statistic, like too many others who have gone before him and who will needlessly die in the future.  If nothing else, I will continue to rage to the gods and the universe my anger, my desolation, my heartbreak.  We MUST learn how to address pain in all of its various incarnations.  We MUST learn how to prevent such tragedies, to keep them from destroying lives and ripping the souls out of those left behind.

To see what I wish to do in Johnny’s honor, I hope you will read the sections under the cover photo above:

  • Home – What is The Warrior Project?
  • About – A Tribute to John Kelly Snyder
  • Funding The Warrior Project
  • Questions & Answers

If you are able to help in any fashion bring this project to fruition, please contact me.

In the meantime, love those around you as well and as often as you can.  And be kind to the rest.

Thank you.
Linda Snyder

In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.

The Warrior Project is a warm, welcoming drop-in center for those living with extreme emotional and/or physical pain coupled with hopelessness, and a resource for families and friends fearing for the life of, or grieving the loss of, the person they love so much.

My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see.  I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.

The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those wounded after September 11, 20o1.  Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.

Fair winds and following seas, Husband.

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Joey, by Concrete Blonde

Posted on November 4, 2016 by lindasnyder

If you’ve ever loved a troubled man, especially one who numbs his pain with alcohol, this should resonate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdpTcvSn8HQ

Joey

Concrete Blonde
Joey…
Baby…
Don’t get crazy
Detours, fences…
I get defensive….
I know you’ve heard it all before
So I don’t say it anymore
I just stand by and let you
Fight your secret war
And though I used to wonder why
I used to cry till I was dry
Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside
Oh Joey if you’re hurting so am I
Joey…
Honey…
I’ve got the money
All is forgiven. Listen….listen…
But if I seem to be confused
I didn’t mean to be with you.
And when you said I scared you
Well, I guess you scared me too
But we got lucky once before
And I don’t want to close the door
And if you’re somewhere out there
Passed out on the floor…
Oh…
Joey, I’m not angry anymore
And if I seem to be confused
I didn’t mean to be with you.
And when you said I scared you
Well I guess you scared me too…
But if it’s love you’re looking for
Then I can give a little more
And if you’re somewhere drunk and
Passed out on the floor…
Oh…
Joey, I’m not angry anymore
Angry anymore, angry anymore
Songwriters: Johnette Lin Napolitano
Joey lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.

The Warrior Project is a warm, welcoming drop-in center for those living with extreme emotional and/or physical pain coupled with hopelessness, and a resource for families and friends fearing for the life of, or grieving the loss of, the person they love so much.

My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see.  I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.

The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those wounded after September 11, 20o1.  Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.

Fair winds and following seas, Husband.

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The Warrior Project

Posted on November 2, 2016 by lindasnyder

My husband, John Kelly Snyder, was a warrior.  An engineer and a musician, with the inappropriate jokes of a sailor and the heart of a marshmallow, he was the best man I have ever known.

john-on-a-chilly-day

But he fought demons that he could not vanquish, and that all of our love could not extinguish.

Johnny died on October 21st, 2016 after too many years of physical and emotional pain.  I am left behind, heartbroken and wondering why I, a lifelong social worker, could not fix things.

One of John’s favorite poems was Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s “The Skeleton in Armour”:

skeleton-in-armour

The ending is particularly apt…

“In the vast forest here,
Clad in my warlike gear,
Fell I upon my spear,
O, death was grateful!

“Thus, seamed with many scars,
Bursting these prison-bars,
Up to its native stars
My soul ascended!
There from the flowing bowl
Deep drinks the warrior’s soul,
Skoal! to the Northland! skoal!”
– Thus the tale ended.

 

In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.

The Warrior Project is a warm, welcoming drop-in center for those living with extreme emotional and/or physical pain coupled with hopelessness, and a resource for families and friends fearing for the life of, or grieving the loss of, the person they love so much.

My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see.  I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.

The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those wounded after September 11, 20o1.  Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.

Fair winds and following seas, Husband.

Posted in John K Snyder, Warrior Project | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment