I’m Different Now

I don’t really agree with this.  For me, it’s not really about recovering the “me” that was lost.  That person is gone forever, with only parts of who I was left.

You’re different afterwards. You just aren’t the same anymore. Your day to day life is different, your future is different. Even your memories are different because they are seen through a different lens… not the lens of sharing with someone who is continuing to live, grow and change.

It has taken me two and a half years to accept that this is my life now.  Just as I’ve had to accept being in my 60s with all the differences and changes that are thrust upon us at being this age – with many of those changes ones I actively dislike… I’m not as nimble physically or intellectually as I once was, and I hate it.  There are wrinkles… my gawd, my hands look old!  And pain, worry, stress, grief… they’ve taken the looks I had when I was younger.  Looks I didn’t appreciate, when I was told I was beautiful.  So much is different now.

But I can’t continue railing against something I can’t change.  I am older.  That’s the way it is.

And John is gone.  I hate that, too.  But I can’t change that either.

I’m not sure I have or ever will recover the “me” that went away with him.  I’m different now.

Some might say I’m better than I was.  I’m more thoughtful.  I think I listen better.  I am not as ready to take on every injustice in the world.  (Is that better?  I don’t know.)  I am more tolerant. (Again, is that better?  I just don’t know.)

I isolate more but appreciate friendships more.  I cuddle my dogs more.  I worry about other people more, but instead of wanting to “fix” their hurts and pains, I just want to care about them because I don’t have the confidence I once had that I can make it all better.

I’m different now.

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In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.

My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see.  I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.

The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those military personnel wounded after September 11, 20o1.  Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.

Fair winds and following seas, Husband.

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We now have a group on Facebook to help find resources, support and ideas for getting The Grief Warrior Project off the ground.  You can find us there at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thewarriorproject/

Follow us on Twitter!  @WarriorProjME.

Help support The Grief Warrior Project by making purchases from Heritage Collectibles, Books & Maps.  All profits (after expenses) go to helping us help others.  You can find Heritage Collectibles at  https://heritagecollectiblesmaine.com, on Facebook (both a group and a page) and on Twitter (HeritageGifts).

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Despite decades of disbelief, I have come to realize that our loved ones are able to communicate with us through the life/death barrier.  My Johnny has proved this in ways that I can’t attribute to my own mind making things up… there have been complex coincidences and synchronicities, extraordinary happenings, and messages through others who could not possibly have any knowledge of the information they’ve passed on.  Truly mind-blowing stuff.  I don’t have a clue what I believe about life after death, but I know my husband loved me with everything he had, and that he still does.  Our wedding vows were “to death and beyond” and that has proved true for both of us.

I can’t tell you how it all works, or how you can get through to your own loved one, but if you’re interested, I can tell you of my experiences and my thoughts on this.

This entry was posted in Coping Skills & Resiliency, Grief, Suicide and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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