Today is our 10th wedding anniversary.  I have to celebrate it alone, though.

My great big strong brilliant talented wonderful husband killed himself almost two years ago.

So instead of laughing and loving and toasting more years to come, I am pushing back screams.  I can’t stop the tears, but I can stop the screams.

I couldn’t at first.  They would come howling out of me, from the very depth of my soul, ripping through my cells with a pain I thought I couldn’t bear, one that I thought surely would kill me, too.

But I’m still here.  And I miss him.  Oh how I miss him.

We got married on International Talk Like a Pirate Day.  The wedding itself was fairly traditional and took place on the lower level of our 1200 square foot deck, that hangs over a gully.

The reception… ah.  That was for Johnny.

I was of the opinion that if the wedding was for the wife, then the reception had to be for the husband.  And so it was… everyone dressed like pirates, with pirate decorations, pirate food (sausages and desserts soaked in alcohol), and even a pirate ship wedding cake.

It was, by far, the best wedding reception I have ever attended.

John was larger than life, and in the end he made certain that the diseases that were killing him didn’t do so with a wasting away of his life, by robbing him of his dignity more and more every day.  He had a fantasy of dying by the sword, and although it didn’t happen quite that way, he did make sure he left this world under his own control.  Even so, he took care to minimize the trauma it would cause me, because after all, I was the center of his universe, as he was mine.

There will be more, but this is all I can write at this time.

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In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.

My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see.  I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.

The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those military personnel wounded after September 11, 20o1.  Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.

Fair winds and following seas, Husband.

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We now have a group on Facebook to help find resources, support and ideas for getting The Warrior Project off the ground.  You can find us there at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thewarriorproject/

Follow us on Twitter!  @WarriorProjME.

We’re also on MeetUp; search Lewiston Grief Support MeetUp.

Help support The Grief Warrior Project by making purchases from Heritage Collectibles, Books & Maps.  All profits (after expenses) go to helping keep our doors open.  You can find Heritage Collectibles at  https://heritagecollectiblesmaine.com, on Facebook (both a group and a page) and on Twitter (HeritageGifts).