She Said, “I Wish I Had Died First…”

From Gavin DeGraw, Soldier.   You can find it on YouTube here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfHUBcevBn0

“Soldier”

La da da da da da, la da da da da [x2]

Where did all the people go?
They got scared when the lights went low.
I’ll get you through it nice and slow,
When the world’s spinning out of control.

Afraid of what they might lose
Might get scraped or they might get bruised.
You could beg them, what’s the use?
That’s why it’s called a moment of truth

I’ll get it if you need it,
I’ll search if you don’t see it,
You’re thirsty, I’ll be rain,
You get hurt, I’ll take your pain.

I know you don’t believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I’ll be your soldier.

Funny when times get hard,
At the last moment when you’re supposed to charge,
Always on the longest yard,
Oh, they feel their feet getting cold.

Hiding here, hiding there,
Find them underneath the stairs,
People hiding everywhere,
Trying to be still like a stone.

I’ll get it if you need it,
I’ll search if you can’t see it,
You’re thirsty, I’ll be rain,
You get hurt, I’ll take your pain.

I know you don’t believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I’ll be your soldier.

My aim is so true,
I wanna show you,
I’ll try forever,
I’m never gonna say “surrender”.

I’ll get it if you need it,
I’ll search if you can’t see it,
You’re thirsty, I’ll be rain,
You get hurt, I’ll take your pain.

I know you don’t believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I’ll be your soldier.

I’ll be your soldier
Well I’ll be, oh I’ll be your soldier
I’ll be your soldier
I’ll be your soldier

La ra la ra ra ra, la ra la ra ra [x2]

 

When I couldn’t sleep in the middle of last night, I spent a foolish amount of time scrolling through some of the posts on the various grief groups on Facebook.

One comment, which seems to be said every now and then, really struck me.

“I wish I had died first, so I wouldn’t feel this horrible pain.”

I don’t understand how someone can say or believe such a thing… it is the exact opposite of how I feel.  If I had died first, that would have left John feeling what I’m feeling.  And I would never have wished this screaming hurt, this longing, confusion, fear and anxiety… this emptiness… on him.

I loved him too much for that.

 

*****************************

For more information about The Grief Warrior Project – soon to be a drop-in and counseling center for those affected by suicide and/or suicidal thoughts, please click on the picture or link, or go to https://warrior-project.org.

The Grief Warrior Project is in the process of becoming a warm, welcoming drop-in center for those living with extreme emotional and/or physical pain coupled with hopelessness, and a resource for families and friends fearing for the life of, or grieving the loss of, the person they love so much.

We are accepting blogs and articles written on topics relevant to suicide, hopelessness, grief, and similar topics.  Please contact Linda at LSnyder@regroupbiz.com or warriorprojectmaine@gmail.com.

*************************************

In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.

My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see.  I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.

The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those military personnel wounded after September 11, 20o1.  Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.

Fair winds and following seas, Husband.

**************************************

We now have a group on Facebook to help find resources, support and ideas for getting The Warrior Project off the ground.  You can find us there at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thewarriorproject/

Follow us on Twitter!  @WarriorProjME.

We’re also on MeetUp; search Lewiston Grief Support MeetUp.

**************************************

The Warrior Project is NOT an emergency program or service.

In the event of a crisis, please call 911

In the United States, other numbers to call include:
Maine Crisis Hotline:
1-888-568-1112
National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
800-273-8255
Veterans Suicide Hotline:
800-273-8255
Domestic Violence Hotline:
800-799-7233

*******************************

John and I owned both a small antiques shop and a used bookstore in Lewiston, Maine. After John died, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with the two shops – they take up a huge amount of time, and weren’t yet covering their own costs.  After John died in October of 2016, the shops were barely open during the critical holiday sales season; I couldn’t stand being in them because we had such dreams for the future.

But Johnny loved his little bookstore (Heritage Books, Maps & Ephemera) and the goal was that he would one day “retire” into running the two shops.  So I’ve committed to keeping them open, although Heritage Collectibles is now Heritage Collectibles, Books & Maps as I’ve combined those two businesses.  However, they’ve been downsized considerably as I’ve reduced the floor space at 189 Main Street by half, and relocated inventory to other shops, to reduce my workload.

All of the profits from those two businesses (after expenses, of course!) will go to support The Warrior Project.  If you are so inclined, please consider checking out our little store or buying from our booths at the shops listed below, knowing that your purchase will help fund this critically needed suicide prevention drop in center.

Locations:

189B Main Street, Lewiston ME.  (Entrance through the back of the building, off Park Street.)
As of Thanksgiving of 2017, Heritage Collectibles has closed its 189 Main Street storefront, and is in the process of moving most of the antique & furniture inventory to other shops (see below).  We are keeping what had previously been the furniture gallery section of the shop, however and will use that to house Heritage Collectibles, Books & Maps…. it will primarily offer books, maps, records & ephemera.  We’d love it if you would follow our blogs!  (Our Heritage Books & Maps blog isn’t presently as active as the Heritage Collectibles one.)
 https://heritagecollectiblesmaine.com https://heritagebooksandmaps.com

This will also be the location of The Grief Warrior support groups and eventual drop in center.

Our other locations:

Oxford – The Undercover Antique Mall, 960 Main Street.   (207) 539-4149.
We have some great, less expensive inventory for you to check out at the Undercover Antique Mall, seven days a week from 9:00 am – 5:00 pm!  We’re in booth #56.

Scarborough – The Southern Maine Indoor Flea Market, 578 U S Route 1.  (207) 229-4263.  Looking for cookbooks and kitchen-related items?  Check out our small space (#99) at the Southern Maine Indoor Flea Market, seven days a week from 9:00 am – 5:00 pm!

Waterville –  Hathaway Mill Antique Mall, 10 Water St.   (207) 877-0250 
We now have a space (Booth #23) in the brand spanking new Hathaway Mill Antique Mall!  Here you’ll find only items produced in or before 1965.

Westbrook – The Den of Antiquities, 1399 Bridgton Rd.  (207) 650-3007.
Just ask for us by name, or by booth 56!  The Den of Antiquities is a wonderful antique shop with loads of great items, including our own!  Please come check us out, Tuesdays through Sundays, 9:00 am – 5:00 pm.

This entry was posted in Death & Dying, Grief, Loneliness, Suicide and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s