I think the hardest part of my husband’s suicide is the recognition of how much emotional and physical pain he was in, and how it must have colored every aspect of his life.
Although I desperately miss him and am grief-stricken and heartbroken beyond measure, what I keep living and reliving is the amount of hurt and hopelessness he had to have been suffering with – and that I had no idea how bad it was.
It just keeps going through my mind, over and over and over, and I find myself crying – and too often, screaming – “Johnny, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know!”
I would gladly have taken on every single pain and hurt he had…every single last one of them… if it would have meant he’d be pain-free; if it would have meant that he’d still be alive.
Because I know that no matter what hideous pain I’m living with right now, it must be nothing compared to what he had been suffering with to take his own life.
In memory of my beloved husband John Kelly Snyder… 20 Sept 1956 – 21 Oct 2016.
The Warrior Project is a warm, welcoming drop-in center for those living with extreme emotional and/or physical pain coupled with hopelessness, and a resource for families and friends fearing for the life of, or grieving the loss of, the person they love so much.
My Johnny was a true warrior, fighting demons no one else could see. I thought he was the strongest man in the world, and perhaps he was, but tragically, the demons got the better of him.
The name of this project is in no way intended to be reflective of, or piggy back off, Wounded Warriors which serves those wounded after September 11, 20o1. Like too many others, John was a warrior long before then.
Fair winds and following seas, Husband.